


Strife for Dinner

by mintbalm



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-28
Updated: 2011-12-28
Packaged: 2017-10-28 07:45:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/305516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mintbalm/pseuds/mintbalm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rose takes Kanaya to meet alpha!Mom for dinner.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Strife for Dinner

**Author's Note:**

  * For [astadelic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/astadelic/gifts).



> I decided to name alpha!Mom Ruby for the sake of convenience. I also assumed that Rose and Kanaya would have some time on alpha!Earth before any asteroid related SBURB disaster because I didn't want to create a totally new AU.

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]  
GA: Karkat  
GA: Rose And I Are Having Dinner Tonight With Roses Lusus  
GA: John Told Me That Meeting The Blood Relatives Of Concupiscent Partners Over A Meal Is An Important Human Custom Wherein The Suitor Is Subjected To One Part Interrogation And One Part Hoop Jumping In Order To Secure Approval Of The Relationship  
GA: He Said That Failure To Satisfy Parental Standards Could Cause Public Disowning  
GA: Misery Forever At Christmas Parties  
GA: And Shotguns Pointed At Suitors On Porch Steps  
GA: Maybe He Was Pranking Me  
GA: I Wasnt Sure  
GA: Karkat  
GA: Karkat Do You Have Any Words Of Advice  
GA: I Know Youve Been Watching Human Romantic Comedies  
GA: Please Respond My Digestive Sac Is Turning Pirouettes In My Abdomen  
CG: THIS IS WHY I FORBID SLOPPY INTERSPECIES MAKEOUTS.  
CG: BECAUSE I'M SUCH A FUCKING GOOD FRIEND I'LL WON'T RUB IN THE FACT THAT YOU DISREGARDED MY ADVICE AND THE CONSEQUENCES HAVE COME AROUND TO KICK YOU IN THE WASTE CHUTE. I HAVE A FEELING THAT FIRST GRADE IRONY BASED HUMOR WILL BE SERVED TO YOU AS AN APPETIZER TO A TEN COURSE MEAL OF PASSIVE-AGGRESSION AND SARCASM TONIGHT. DATING THAT SNOB IS PUNISHMENT ENOUGH.  
GA: Yes Thank You Karkat  
GA: Do You Have Any Advice Though  
CG: OF COURSE. SO, I HAVE WATCHED HUMAN ROMANTIC COMEDIES IN THE INTEREST OF COMPARATIVE FILM STUDIES AND RESEARCH INTO THE FUZZY MONKEY MINDS OF HUMANS.  
CG: THEY ARE INFURIATING.  
CG: I COULD'VE WATERED DOZENS OF LAWNRINGS WITH MY TEARS OF FUCKING RAGE. IT WAS LIKE WATCHING WRIGGLERS SMASHING THEIR FACES TOGETHER HOPING TO MIMIC THE FLUSHED QUADRANTS OF REAL ADULTS. THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT THE PAIN SHARPENED MY RELATIONSHIP ACUMEN INTO A FINE POINT CAPABLE OF CUTTING THE THROUGH THE THICKEST RELATIONSHIP KNOT, EVEN IF IT INVOLVES HUMANS.  
GA: Please Dont Leave Me In Suspense  
CG: OKAY. OKAY. THE FIRST THING YOU SHOULD KNOW IS THAT MEDDLING WILL ONLY LAND YOU IN WORSE TROUBLE. WHATEVER THE ISSUES THEY NEED TO SORT OUT, YOU NEED TO LEAVE THAT SHIT ALONE.

\---------------------------

 

Fat rain drops splattered against the windows, filling the air with a soft drumming, punctuated with the rumble of distant thunder. Darkness shrouded the two figures in the room. Even with her troll eyes, naturally attuned to low light settings, Kanaya could barely see.

Lightening cracked and briefly illuminated the figure of Ruby sitting across the table from her. A cocktail glass touched painted lips crooked into a familiar smirk. That smirk was also Rose's. And the way Ruby folded her arms across her chest after placing down her drink was very Dave.

"Why are the lights off?" Kanaya asked.

"I thought trolls liked to chill in the dark. Aren't you nocturne...nocturnal?"

"I admit that I am peculiar and have always woken in the morning to enjoy the sunlight. This innate preference has only been reinforced by my newfound status as a rainbowdrinker. As for the rest of the troll species, well, they use artificial lights to illuminate their abodes during the night. We don't just, as you say, 'chill in the dark.'" Kanaya frowned, a bit perplexed. "I thought Earth in this session was familiar with troll customs. You seemed perfectly knowledgeable about sweeps and wiggling days."

"Ok, you got me, Sherlock. The lights are off because we're about to take a test."

A large square section of the side wall retracted noiselessly revealing half-a-dozen monitors stacked in a cube. On one monitor Kanaya recognized a spiking line graph that represented the regular beating of her vascular pump. Another monitor showed only a large closeup of her right pupil. The rest of the displays, like the half-circle dials that ranged the chromatic spectrum from red to green, were a mystery to her.

"Ready?" Ruby queried. Kanaya turned her head to nod and sat a little straighter in her chair. Ruby smiled at her and took a sip of her cocktail. Several empty glasses already lay to her side.

"Speed is real important. Say whatever comes to mind first."

"Is this a psychological test?"

"Duh. You should be use to taking these already, right? Can't imagine you can escape her psycho evals. Lol."

Kanaya hadn't thought people actually said the acronym, "Lol,” but apparently Ruby did. The cognitive dissonance between the whip-sharp and devious woman from Rose's description and this sixteen-year-old intoxicated girl with a dubious grasp of the English language left her floundering.

Ruby lifted up her cellphone and read from it.

"You're in a desert. You look down and see a tortoise crawling towards you."

"I must be on Earth then. No tortoises live in the deserts of Alternia, at least not around the hive I grew up in; they would've been consumed by the zombies.”

Ruby held her hand. "Ok, whoa. Shut up. I didn't even finish the question.” She resumed reading from the cellphone. “The tortoise crawls towards you. You flip it on its back. It's baking in the hot sun. It's little legs are flailing in the air, but it can't turn over. Not without your help. You're not helping."

The dials flickered a fraction towards red and settle back in green.

"Why did I flip the tortoise over?"

"You tell me."

"Maybe I require sustenance? Then again, I would terminate the tortoise's life immediately if I wished to eat it.” Kanaya paused for a moment to think. She imagined the tortoise, one of Rose's pink turtle consorts maybe, walking towards her. She thought of flipping him over. His blank turtle eyes stared at her. They engaged in a staring contest. No. Stop. This was silly.

This question wasn't really a question at all, Kanaya realized. “I am somewhat confused by your question. In this hypothetical scenario you seem to be implying that the tortoise is in pain because of a few minutes spent on its back in the sun. However, if the tortoise evolved to live in the desert it would have tough skin to withstand the sun's rays. Furthermore, a shell, even the underbelly section of a shell, would provide a measure of protection against the sun."

"God. That response was entirely too fucking long. Mom must be really attracted to your mouth.”

Kanaya blushed.

“Daaamn, girl! I didn't mean it that way,” Ruby said.

“Exactly what way were you implying? I don't...Oh.” Kanaya clamped her mouth shut.

“Whoa. Slow on the uptake, miss lesbo alien."

“This is an uncomfortable avenue of discussion for me. Could we perhaps return to the test?”

"I hope she's less of an uptight priss now that she's getting some,” Ruby scrolled a bit on her phone. “Tell me words you think of when you recall your mother,” Ruby said.

“My lusus? Warm. Protective. Patient. Giving. Strong. Understanding.”

The dials flickered strongly towards red.

“Mom of the year. Am I going to get to meet her?”

“She's dead.”

The dials hovered in the red zone.

Ruby paused. “Sorry.”

“It was expected. The life expectancy of a Mothergrub is greatly diminished by not breeding. She became my Sburb sprite and we were able to converse in words, finally. But, I suppose she perished when we ultimately lost our game to Jack. I haven't seen her in awhile.” Hints of green tears collected in the corners of Kanaya's eyes. She fought the tide of memories and emotions that rose in her. There would be time to mourn later if she survived.

“Oh. That sucks.” Ruby awkwardly looked away and finished off her drink in one long swig. She referenced her phone. “In a magazine you come across a full-page photo of a nude girl.”

“Are you testing whether she's a robot or a lesbian?” Rose said.

Suddenly, the lights blinked on. Rose marched to the table and slammed down the three foot tall stack of pizzas she'd been carrying. The beautiful white dishes and full silver settings jumped. From the wet boxes steamed smells of dough, cheese, and more types of roasted meat and vegetables than Kanaya could put name to.

“Are you dissing my empathy test?” Ruby asked. Rose rolled her eyes.

“That test was lifted directly from Bladerunner.”

“OMG, Mom. Don't give away my secret! I was going to use it as part of my paper on human-troll homogay relationships and their affects on kids.”

Rose smiled tightly and sat down next to Kanaya.

“I'm glad that you've taken it upon yourself to assure that I don't date a sociopath, Ruby. A terribly dated science fiction movie is exactly the best source of information for psychological profiling.”

“Bladerunner is a fucking great movie. Might be a bit too actiony and fun for people only interested in creepy racists like Lovecraft, though.”

“I am well aware of Lovecrafts faults.”

“One of his protag's mind breaking reveal is that his ancestor married a gorilla from Africa. Shit isn't even subtle.”

The conversation was heading downhill fast. Kanaya leaned over to flip open the top pizza box and blurted, “You've ordered a feast for us. Thank you, Ruby.”

“Yes, thank you, Ruby for being the utmost gracious host. I see you've taken out the good china and silverware,” Rose said. She carefully reset the soup spoon, salad and entree forks that had been jostled by the falling pizzas. “And of course you would order pizza to eat on it.”

“There should be something you like in that pile. I got all of the types on the menu. All of them.”

“Hmm..yes. How thoughtful of you to order every pizza on the menu instead of asking us what we wanted. I do hope one is missing cheese. Kanaya is lactose intolerant.” Rose pointedly opened the boxes one by one for inspection and dismissed them with a sigh.

“It's not a major inconvenience. I'll remove the cheese,” Kanaya interjected. “Oh. This one looks quite tasty.” She picked up a slice of pineapple and bacon and set it on her plate. What she'd selected didn't matter much. Her digestive sac, tight with tension, rolled at the mere thought of eating.

In a show of spite, Rose ignored the fancy combinations and chose a piece of plain pepperoni. Ruby didn't choose anything at all and simply poured herself another glass of cocktail from the tumbler.

“Fuck. Where are my manners? Aren't you thirsty, Kanaya? Feel like a nice glass of blood?”

“That won't be necessary,” Kanaya said.

“It's no biggie. Let me get you a glass.” Grimacing, Ruby took the steak knife to her thumb, held over an empty cocktail glass, and pressed the blade into her flesh. “Owwww! Owww!” She scowled and bit her lip.

The blade stubbornly refused to cut.

“My skin must be too thick.”

“Earned by surviving many wicked burns, no doubt,” Rose said.

“Ha. Ha,” Ruby said. She sawed at her thumb. The blade was useless. With a growl of frustration she flicked the blade against her neck. A line of red beaded across her skin.

Kanaya's eyes were irresistibly drawn to the blood. Her breathe quickened. Her nostrils twitched. She licked her lips, and said in a hesitant voice, “Do you need a bandaid. That looks painful.”

No answer came from Ruby. She held her position, eyes narrowed at Kanaya, and head tilted to one side to expose her neck. “Owww! I'm bleeeeeeeding!”

“Do you know where the first aid supplies are located, Rose?” Kanaya asked, turning to Rose. Rose tapped her finger against her lips.

“Shush, you're interrupting the theatrics.”

“And, Kanaya?” Ruby said a tad loud.

“And?” Kanaya repeated. She wasn't sure what Ruby was going on about, but she hoped that blade was sterile. Humans were so fragile.

“Aren't you like going to lose control and jump me?” Ruby said.

“...I'm not an animal.”

“Whooo hoooo. Well, that was boring,” Ruby patted tissue against the shallow cut. “Congrats, though, you passed.”

“You wanted to test my self control around blood,” Kanaya said. “Will there be a woman jumping out of a cake later to test my fidelity?”

“Whoa. Was that sarcasm from the GF?”

“I am still not entirely adept at human insincerity based comedy. However, I've received advice to deploy sarcasm whenever possible.”

 

\---------------------------

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]  
GA: Dave I Require Assistance With Lalondes  
TG: yo this is the strider hotline  
TG: 24 hr sick nasty beats and the most effectual advice on girls or your money back guaranteed  
TG: how can I help you  
GA: I Have Dinner With Rose And Her Mom Slash Daughter  
GA: In A Few Hours  
GA: I Am As You Would Say  
GA: Loosing My Shit  
GA: Do You Have Any Advice Dave  
TG: first of all no texting at the table  
TG: goddamn even I know that is rude  
GA: Ok I Know Basic Etiquette  
GA: I Even Know Which Is The Salad Fork As Opposed To The Entree Fork  
TG: fuck even i dont know that  
GA: No One Should Have To Know  
TG: high five to ignorance  
TG: but you wanted the lowdown on the Lalondes  
TG: i got your back  
TG: rule 1 dont sit at the table all passive and shit thinking you can please them by not offending  
GA: Is Hiding Under The Table Not A Viable Solution  
TG: no  
TG: unless you mean that literally  
TG: in that case fuck yes and send me pictures  
TG: the status quo of the Lalonde household is conversational warfare and if youre caught with your pants down you wont be treated according to the geneva conventions if you know what I mean  
GA: I Dont But Please Continue  
TG: you gotta show them that you arent another chump thats gonna sit there and take it  
TG: youre a bomb  
TG: and youre going to explode a rain of sarcasm and irony on their unwitting heads  
GA: Will This Really Improve The Situation  
TG: hell no  
TG: but itll earn you respect  
TG: and thats what youre here for  
GA: Thanks Dave  
GA: I Am Suddenly Reminded Of Our First Conversation  
GA: Its Seems All Lalonde Relationship Solutions Are Related To Linguistic Ninjutsu  
TG: if you wanted a pat on the back and a way to deescalate the conflict  
TG: shouldve pestered jade

 

\---------------------------

Silence permeated the room. It was the kind of silence that proceeds the first volley of war. Kanaya pushed cheese off her pizza slice with her entree fork. Each tap and scrape of the fork's metal tines against the plate made her wince.

“Oops. Almost forgot. I have a gift for you,” Ruby said. Kanaya saw the steel behind Rose's eyes as she replied, “My, what a coincidence. I have one for you as well.”

“Me first,” Ruby said. She removed a small wrapped box from her captchalogue and tossed it at Rose. Rose snatched it from the air before it could complete its trajectory and hit her squarely in the face.

Very delicately Rose undid the silk bowtie and peeled the tape back from the shiny foil wrapping paper revealing a ring box. She flipped the top open. Inside sat a platinum ring topped with a grotesquely huge princess cut diamond.

“It's conflict free. Made it in my lab,” Ruby said. “We don't have family heirlooms. Thought I should make one. So, are you going to walk Kanaya down an aisle before we all die to Lord English or what?”

Rose's smile pinched into a sharp line. Kanaya rushed to cut off her retort. “Trolls don't get married. It's an interesting human custom, but unnecessary.”

“I bet you'd love to try on foofy wedding dresses and pick out embossed invitations.”

“Extravagant parties, while fun, aren't the hallmark of commitment.”

“This is a wonderful present, Ruby,” Rose said, “How rich in symbolism. A lump of worthless coal metamorphisized through intense heat and pressure into the world's hardest crystalline structure. I would have cut it into a heart shape to further clarify the connection you were making; I almost missed it. However, I do appreciate that you made the diamond so incredibly large that wearing the ring would impede Kanaya in all her daily activities. Quite like a marriage to me would.”

“Ok, right. Like I think on those levels.”

“No. No. Hush. It's my turn,” Rose said and uncaptchalogued her gift. It was a animal carrying case. The movement jostled a low mewl from it. The sound rang in Kanaya's ear and ran claws down the back of her brain. Ruby accepted the carrier and opened it. Her eyes went wide as she pulled out a small black kitten with four eyes and a mass of tentacles for feet.

“Holy fuck. Vodka mutini mixed with a tentacle horror,” Ruby said. Kanaya thought she detected horror in her voice or perhaps Kanaya was projecting onto her or perhaps the cat was projecting onto them.

“Do you not like it?” Rose said.

“This is just like you, Mom,” Ruby said, a smile that didn't touch her eyes pasted on her lips. “You are so kind etc. etc. etc.”

“We agreed to call each other by our given names.”

“I'm pretty fucking sure by now that you're the same person. 'Cept younger.”

“Regardless of my similarities to your mother, I did not raise you and am your age. I'd prefer if you'd call me Rose.”

“Your girl looks like the real maternal type, Mom. I bet she'd be an awesome mother too. You wouldn't leave an unlocked liquor cabinet around your sixteen-year-old would you?” Ruby asked Kanaya.

“I-”

“Kanaya, why would it be necessary to keep all liquid intoxicants in the household under lock and key as if they were firearms? Perhaps said precaution would be necessary if an inhabitant of the household lacked the miniscule amount of decorum needed to refrain from getting falling-into-the-cake smashed at a five-year-old's birthday party.”

“Kanaya, is it smart or dumb for a mother to post XXX rated wizard porn on a forum that her daughter and her daughter's friends view?”

“Kanaya, is it appropriate to build a mausoleum for your daughter's dead pet and force her to stand in the rain for hours, drunkenly centering the spectacle on yourself by rambling on and on about how much you love cats, but can't hug every cat?”

\---------------------------

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG]  
GA: Jade  
GA: Are You There Jade  
GA: I Need Advice Badly Please Respond  
GG: hi kanaya!!!!!!! what's so urgent? :o  
GA: Im Meeting Roses Mother Tonight For Dinner  
GA: This Will Be Our First Introduction To One Another  
GA: Im Afraid Im Going To Somehow Disappoint Her  
GA: And Make Rose Look Bad  
GG: awww! don't worry, kanaya! just be yourself!  
GA: Do You Have More Specific Advice  
GA: Because Being Kanaya Might Mean Babbling All Night  
GA: Steering Conversations Like A Cluckbeast Sans Head  
GG: hehe. that's part of your charm!  
GA: You Are Too Kind  
GA: But Im Really Desperate Here  
GG: hmm.... but, that is my best advice?  
GG: i mean even if you impress ruby by being someone else that only cheats her out of getting to know the real you  
GG: and cheats you out of a chance to show her that the girl her daughter loves is a wonderful, cool, awesome person!!!!  
GG: plus it starts your relationship in lies and that's not good  
GA: Damn I Wish You Werent Making So Much Sense Right Now  
GG: sorry!!!!! :p  
GG: geez, kanaya, it's not like you haven't faced scarier stuff  
GG: ruby is a sixteen-year-old girl like you  
GG: treat her like a normal person  
GG: and try to have fun!

\---------------------------

It really was too fucking much. Kanaya's bullshit meter was full.

“Yes, growing up as wealthy, educated, beautiful women of the economically and socially dominate race is indeed hard. When I researched other humans on this planet, especially in those undeveloped nations, the first thought I had was the Lalonde family had it rough. How sad it is that they never went without food, never were subjected to physical violence, never were culled for their opinions. My eyes are filling with tears reflecting on your sorrows.” She had their attention now.

“Your point is well taken, Kanaya, but the grievous plights of man neither cancels out the pains we feel as individuals nor lessens the wrongs that have been done to us.”

“Your mom sounded like a saint. You didn't have her as a mom,” Ruby said, accusing finger pointed at Rose.

Kanaya picked up the mutant, tentacled kitty and absently pet him. “Are you suggesting that my childhood was easier than yours?”

“Duh?”

“Very well. Consider this: before my lusus took me in, I had to undergo the trials. Subterranean beasts infest the breeding caves. At night I could hear them rip into those who were not smart or strong enough to fight them off. And in the morning the drones would collect the dead to process into paint.”

Wordlessly, Rose reached out and took Kanaya's hand.

“That's some crazy shit. Explains why you guys need sopor slime,” Ruby said.

Her bullshit meter reduced by the rant, Kanaya felt humiliation and doubt bubble up again. “I hope I did not badly interrupt your significant bonding experience. I understand that your relationship is based on mutual antagonism and respect. I did not mean to disparage it.”

“It's not a black romance, Kanaya,” Rose said.

“That is totes the grossest thing I've ever heard. But,” Ruby said with a thoughtful look.

“If you harbor an Oedipal Complex, Ruby, know that my knitting needles are always ready to stab out your eyes.”

“Ewwww! Feeeh. No. I'm trying to say that we are rivals, kind of. I felt it with my Mom. What about you, Rose? Had something similar?”

Rose noted her name finally being used with a genuine, if miniscule, smile. “I felt the same.”

“This could be cool. Keep us on our toes. But, I don't think you're all you could be. Like you're not my equal yet.”

“Pray tell why?”

“Well you spent three years on a goddamn rock instead of going to school. I'm not saying you're behind, but my mom has a study full of books and you might want them.”

The chill fell back into Rose's eyes. She slowly excused herself from the table and headed for the study.

With an evil laugh, Ruby pushed back her chair and walked to Kanaya's side. “Rose has got to have a weakness.” She threw a friendly arm around Kanaya's shoulders and leaned intimately in. “Got any terrible secrets to share with me? I'm fucking loaded with grist. I could make it worth your time.”

“I have quite a reserve of grist still” Kanaya said.

“I don't think you get it. I'm a hacker. Sburb is a game. When I say I'm rich. I mean I can buy you anything. Anything. You gotta want something really bad.”

Indeed Kanaya did wish for something very badly. The matriorb.

“This can't be the opportunity,” she whispered.

“Are you talking to yourself?”

Rose had promised her an opportunity to reclaim the matriorb. This couldn't be that opportunity, could it? How could she weigh the survival of her people against the betrayal of her matesprit.

“I am deadly serious right now, Ruby. Can you purchase anything?”

“Yeah. Anything.”

“Even if it cost this?” Kanaya's captchalogue released a pen and she scribbled the grist cost of the matriorb on a pizza box.

“Whoa. That's a big sum. Good thing I'm a master hacker and those are just numbers I type into my computer.”

“If I had this much grist I could produce another matriorb. My people might survive this apocalypse.”

“Fucking fantastic. So tell me some secret to undermine Rose.”

Emotions burned through Kanaya's body. Her hands shook as if trying to grasp at a decision to this devil's bargain. Rose would forgive her if she explained her mind shouted. But, her heart...

It was weak.

Her heart said, “No. I can't do it.”

Her lips followed her heart.

When Rose appeared in the doorway, she almost cried.

“You romantic,” Ruby said, affection colored her voice. “So dumb.”

\-------------

The walk home was filled with pleasant talk, almost suspiciously free of sharp barbs and witty retorts. Kanaya kept falling slightly behind Rose, a step or two behind, despite her longer legs and stride. She forced herself to drag her feet forward for one more step, then one more, until the weight of misery slowed her to a stop.

“I love you more than I value the survival of my people,” Kanaya said.

“That's the oddest compliment I've ever received,” Rose said. She cupped her hand under Kanaya's jaw and gently lifted her gaze from the ground. “What happened?”

Kanaya explained the deal Ruby offered her. Jade tears fell from her eyes.

“Oh,” Rose said. She tiptoed and kissed Kanaya's lips. “I'm sorry that you had to make that decision. But, Ruby's impromptu offer was not the opportunity I mentioned when I lured you into accompanying me.”

“No?” Kanaya said. Rose wiped her eyes.

“No.”

Kanaya smiled and wrapped Rose in an embrace. She pressed her lips against Rose's ear. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Rose replied. “And, as of tonight, so does my mother.”


End file.
